Oh and I rush to the start

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Oh and I rush to the start

“Ma, I trust my gut. I trust my intuition. I know after all these, at the end of the day we’re better individuals. Just trust me.”

That’s how I ended my 20-minute phone conversation with my mom. It was awkward and overwhelming, quite a way to cap my weekend. It’s not everyday that she calls me to talk about matters of the heart, so I guess it’s a sign that yeah, “Bene, you did something wrong.”

I was lost for words that I just played and sang to her two lines from a Coldplay piece. Over the phone. She needed answers, and in my head all I could think of was the idea that the universe has its own self-repair mechanism, that as long as you’re attuned to your inner self, everything’s gonna fall into their proper places. It fixes the broken, heals the damaged, corrects indignity and builds what’s lost. In the process, the changes hurt us. We get hurt. I get hurt. People get hurt. But at the end of it all, we change for the better.

Yes, I made a bit of mistake. I’ve honestly made a lot of mistakes. And lately, I did something insensitively earth-shaking. I shouldn’t have done that..[just yet]. But ever since I hit my head and acted straight, ever since I decided to take total control of my life, my guts led me to the right directions, to much better places, to greater heights and bolder aspirations. The unknown scares me and thrills me at the same time. And as I dwell with it, a line was crossed. I crossed a line.

Maybe you hate my guts, but if that’s what it cost for both of us to evolve, then let us evolve. Let us overcome ourselves and see what the present holds and the future brings. The song might have ended, but the music lives on.

I owe an apology to everyone who, like my mom, got their hearts broken, who somehow lost faith in love and happy endings, who once believed in soulmates and that soulmates end up with each other, who also have questions I still cannot answer, who may have been wondering what went wrong and what is there to come.

Well, we all have stories that are never told and might be left untold. So judge not, that you be not judged. What appears to be black is sometimes white; what appears to be white is sometimes black. Either way, but never gray.


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